It always makes me laugh when I buy something new and see how dumbed down the instructions are. After getting a new replacement Viewsonic monitor today, I saw this one which is the best I've seen in a while!

How stupid do these people think we really are? :)

It's been a while since my last blog entry. Work has been even more hectic than usual but hopefully over the worst!

I stumbled across this today and thought it was worthy of posting here :) It brought a smile to my face after a hard day at work!

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better  have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women.   Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." 
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms.  But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."  
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex,  no matter how bad it is."  
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had  a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than  they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,  'I
know what I'm doing.  Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."   
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. 
Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." 
George Burns

This a copy of an actual letter of complaint sent to ntl. If you are an ntl customer then you will probably be able to relate to much of it   

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NT and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.. May you rot in Hell, Robert Stokes

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of window?

• Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
• You Know You're In The Wrong Job When...
• The Top 10 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
• Virus called 'Work'
• Six Phases of a Project
• Conventional Wisdom for Programmers
• Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work
• Virtues of Programmers

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
• "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
• "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
• "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
• "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
• "Damn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
• "The coffee machine is broken..."
• "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
• " ... in Jesus' name.  Amen."

Conventional Wisdom for Programmers

• First Law of Debugging: It ain't what you don't know that hurts you. It's what you do know that just ain't so. In other words, when you're sure of everything but your program still doesn't work, one of the things you're sure of is wrong.
• Second Law of Debugging: Testing can only show the presence of bugs. It says nothing about their absence.
• Debug the code - not the comments.
• First Rule of Program Development: A program that does only 80% of the job but works is better than one that does 100% but doesn't work.
• Second Rule of Program Development: The first 80% of a program takes 80% of development time. The last 20% of development takes the other 80% of time.
• The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take to finish.
• Law of Least Astonishment: The most obvious interpretation should be correct.
• KISS: Keep it simple, stupid.
• Crayons are more useful than keyboards for understanding pointers - draw pictures before you code.
• First make it work. Then you can worry about making it fast.
• Brooks' Law: Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
• Law of Conservation of Program Size: If you make your code shorter, make your comments longer.
• The user is part of every system. When the user fails, the system has failed.

Virus called 'Work'

There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
 
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
 
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words:

"Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer  be of any relevance to you.

Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work

1. "That's weird..."
2. "It's never done that before."
3. "It worked yesterday."
4. "How is that possible?"
5. "It must be a hardware problem."
6. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
7. "There's something funky in your data."
8. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
9. "You must have the wrong version."
10. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
11. "I can't test everything!"
12. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
13. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
14. "Somebody must have changed my code."
15. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
16. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?"
17. "You can't use that version on your system."
18. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
19. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

You Know You're In The Wrong Job When...

1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
2. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.
3. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
4. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
5. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
6. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
7. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
8. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
9. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
10. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
11. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
12. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
13. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you  have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
16. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
17. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
18. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
19. Dilbert cartoons hang on every wall.
20. Your boss's favourite lines are:
    • When you've got a few minutes.
    • Could you fit this in.
    • In your spare time.
    • When you're freed up.
    • I know you're busy but.
    • Where are you up to.
    • I have an opportunity for you.
21. Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in January.
22. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
23. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
24. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
25. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
26. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
27. You read this entire list , kept nodding and you understood it.

The Top 10 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Virtues of Programmers

Larry Wall, the creator of Perl, said it best when he wrote, ``The three primary virtues of computer programmers are impatience, laziness, and hubris.''

Laziness

The quality that makes you go to great effort to reduce overall energy expenditure. It makes you write labor-saving programs that other people will find useful, and document what you wrote so you don't have to answer so many questions about it. Hence, the first great virtue of a programmer.

Impatience

The anger you feel when the computer is being lazy. This makes you write programs that don't just react to your needs, but actually anticipate them. Or at least that pretend to. Hence, the second great virtue of a programmer.

Hubris

Excessive pride, the sort of thing Zeus zaps you for. Also the quality that makes you write (and maintain) programs that other people won't want to say bad things about. [Also, the thing that makes you write programs to do something that's already been done, because you believe you can do it better --- Wim.] Hence, the third great virtue of a programmer.

Six Phases of a Project

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and reward for the non-participants