• Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
• You Know You're In The Wrong Job When...
• The Top 10 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
• Virus called 'Work'
• Six Phases of a Project
• Conventional Wisdom for Programmers
• Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work
• Virtues of Programmers

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...

• "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
• "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
• "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
• "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
• "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
• "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
• "Damn!  Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
• "The coffee machine is broken..."
• "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
• " ... in Jesus' name.  Amen."

Conventional Wisdom for Programmers

• First Law of Debugging: It ain't what you don't know that hurts you. It's what you do know that just ain't so. In other words, when you're sure of everything but your program still doesn't work, one of the things you're sure of is wrong.
• Second Law of Debugging: Testing can only show the presence of bugs. It says nothing about their absence.
• Debug the code - not the comments.
• First Rule of Program Development: A program that does only 80% of the job but works is better than one that does 100% but doesn't work.
• Second Rule of Program Development: The first 80% of a program takes 80% of development time. The last 20% of development takes the other 80% of time.
• The sooner you start to code, the longer the program will take to finish.
• Law of Least Astonishment: The most obvious interpretation should be correct.
• KISS: Keep it simple, stupid.
• Crayons are more useful than keyboards for understanding pointers - draw pictures before you code.
• First make it work. Then you can worry about making it fast.
• Brooks' Law: Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
• Law of Conservation of Program Size: If you make your code shorter, make your comments longer.
• The user is part of every system. When the user fails, the system has failed.

Virus called 'Work'

There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
 
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
 
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words:

"Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer  be of any relevance to you.

Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work

1. "That's weird..."
2. "It's never done that before."
3. "It worked yesterday."
4. "How is that possible?"
5. "It must be a hardware problem."
6. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
7. "There's something funky in your data."
8. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
9. "You must have the wrong version."
10. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
11. "I can't test everything!"
12. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
13. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
14. "Somebody must have changed my code."
15. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
16. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?"
17. "You can't use that version on your system."
18. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
19. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

You Know You're In The Wrong Job When...

1. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
2. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.
3. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
4. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
5. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
6. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
7. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
8. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
9. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
10. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
11. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
12. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
13. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
14. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
15. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you  have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
16. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
17. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
18. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
19. Dilbert cartoons hang on every wall.
20. Your boss's favourite lines are:
    • When you've got a few minutes.
    • Could you fit this in.
    • In your spare time.
    • When you're freed up.
    • I know you're busy but.
    • Where are you up to.
    • I have an opportunity for you.
21. Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get in January.
22. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
23. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
24. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
25. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
26. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
27. You read this entire list , kept nodding and you understood it.

The Top 10 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Virtues of Programmers

Larry Wall, the creator of Perl, said it best when he wrote, ``The three primary virtues of computer programmers are impatience, laziness, and hubris.''

Laziness

The quality that makes you go to great effort to reduce overall energy expenditure. It makes you write labor-saving programs that other people will find useful, and document what you wrote so you don't have to answer so many questions about it. Hence, the first great virtue of a programmer.

Impatience

The anger you feel when the computer is being lazy. This makes you write programs that don't just react to your needs, but actually anticipate them. Or at least that pretend to. Hence, the second great virtue of a programmer.

Hubris

Excessive pride, the sort of thing Zeus zaps you for. Also the quality that makes you write (and maintain) programs that other people won't want to say bad things about. [Also, the thing that makes you write programs to do something that's already been done, because you believe you can do it better --- Wim.] Hence, the third great virtue of a programmer.

Six Phases of a Project

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and reward for the non-participants